Neu New York

New York is the new Netherlands. So I’m told.

Since visiting the city I have discovered that there are fewer things in this life that give me more pleasure than the sight of people giving out politicized condoms on the street.

"Get your Obama condoms here folks...he doesn't just stimulate the economy!"

As an Englishman I feel somewhat tied to New York despite having only ever been twice in my life. The symbolism associated with the city is exemplary: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State building, the Met, the ice rink in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York...it all rings familiar with the European mindset. It's the proverbial homeland too for global television culture. Sure, Los Angeles has movies but so what? NYC is where Chandler Bing and Monica Geller lived for christ sakes! It's where a girl dumped Seinfeld because he thought her breasts were fake and it is even where Flight of the Conchords lived in an attempt to make it in America.

It's relevant.

Take Times Square for example.

Times Square knows that Times Square is awesome - you actually feel that you are sitting in the middle of the Universe - a goal I'm sure the first pilgrims set out to achieve when they glued the first 'anti-Plague drug' poster on to the wall of a barn. It's a flashy, grand, creamy hyperbolic centerpiece of the city that entertains by just being. The perpetual advertisements, yellow taxis and naked Cowboys (yep) are a labyrinth of colour, noise and selling (and buying) without apology. And why should it apolgise? It's earned the right to be considered one of the most glamorous places on earth - it's where the ball drops at new year, it's a centre of fashion and chocolate and it is a place where no matter of race, colour or creed, everyone is equally as likely to get run over by a mad taxi driver as anyone else.

Like most cities, a hell of alot of people live in NYC. A tad fewer than nine million people inhabit the city itself with an estimated further ten million living around the outskirts. Creativity flows from and into the concrete jungle like juice down a baby's dimpled chin, everywhere you look there are artists sat out on the step hoping to sell you one of their paintings, book sellers, jugglers, unsigned rappers hustling their music to anyone who'll listen. The competition for a voice is huge. And acting coy and all British-like won't help you either - they've seen it all before.

And that includes naked appetizers. If you head into Midtown West on 45th street, you’ll find a place called Robert’s Steakhouse. The food is sublime. So good infact, that the experimental chef Heston Blumenthal went there to make the ‘perfect hamburger’ due to the fact they serve one of the best cuts of steak in the US. For those who are of that persuasion, naked women are also available to give you a lap-dance for a fee. Even if you aren’t, one particular woman dressed as a cop may straddle you, pour vodka down your throat and demand $20. So I'm told.

The next day, having drank an incredible amount of alcohol the night before, my friend and I had a claim to be the two most hung-over people in New York in a subway station. On seeing this, a man - a reasonably respectable looking man at that - shouted over to us.

"Hey! Hey! You two, come over here now!"

Blurry eyed, we stumbled over...

…The next thing we knew, the guy had boshed open the emergency exit. Sirens started screeching. I think Japanese tourists were even taking photos to confuse matters while my friends and I were hustled through the barriers.

"That'll be $2.50 each"

The guy had his hand out and we paid him. Gutted.

But however mugged off I felt at the time, I only have the up-most admiration for him and his attitude, his philosophy and his goal-driven antics (all be them slightly criminal). He saw what he wanted, knew how to achieve it and just went ahead and did it. No messing. It was this kind of thing that I seemed to encounter everywhere I went and it was this that seemed to be at the heart of what constitutes the American dream. Everything is spectacular in the Big Apple and nothing, not even the condoms, are understated.

That's a dumb acronym...

Math-e-matics